A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
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CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*