A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
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therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I have so many questions.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Had a spot of bother earlier.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this