@1Happytwit: A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short - now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
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@Cpin42: Have you found them? "Not yet, sir.” THEY'RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE? "They wear tiny masks, sir.”
@dafloydsta: I lost my job today "What? How?" I just wasn't a good housekeeper "BUT YOU'RE A BEEKEEPER" Well that explains all the screaming
@gtfml: When someone tells me they're a bodybuilder, I always ask "Not the Dr. Frankenstein kind, right?" because you can never be too careful.