@1Happytwit: A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short - now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
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@kevinseccia: Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there's no racism problem?
@WilliamAder: Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
@Jay_FrickinLynn: Asked my son what he wanted for dinner. He said cheese. A good mom doesn't let her kid eat cheese for dinner. This cheese is delicious.
@lalenguafuerte: Rihanna says, "chains & whips excite me." I doubt her ancestors felt the same way...