@1Happytwit: A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short - now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I'm telling him that he is making me late for work and he's telling me that he is Batman.
@BatBatshitcrazy: Rum: We've replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait. *misses last two stairs, face plants* Rum: tee-hee
@MrFornicator: People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
@david8hughes: [me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers] And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.