@gavinpivott: A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.
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@simoncholland: [at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy] *raises hand* What if I draw a peanut on her napkin? Wife: Please go wait in the car
@michaelianblack: Got to admire these NFL players who are so committed to their jobs of beating the shit out of people that they do it even in their off time.