Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
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Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.