Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
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murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that