I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
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The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough