A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
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My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”