A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
You Might Also Like
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?