A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
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Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed