My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
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First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.