[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
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[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
How to draw a duck
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I put the p in pants.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces