It was worth a shot 😂
You Might Also Like
Should I call tech support or pray or what
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.