A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
You Might Also Like
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring