A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
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[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”