A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
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Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?