I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
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Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Duck typos.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.