@bonehugsnirony: A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that's how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
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@MrMichaelRose: I think it's obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
@PieChord: Some people won't try bacon for religious reasons. I won't try religion for bacon reasons.
@Rollmaninoz: *Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
@my_boy_joey: I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.