A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
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[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
The happy life.. 😊
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence