A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
You Might Also Like
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
6. me as a lawyer
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman