After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
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It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.