A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
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Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything