“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
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Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.