“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
You Might Also Like
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?