A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.