A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
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If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Mmmm canned fish.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir