@causticbob: A router goes into a doctor's office and says, "It hurts when IP."
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@PeterMolydeux: You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you'll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you'll see their son crying
@batkaren: [after lover's spat] ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes. HER: You're just naming foods. ME: Pumpkin. Muffin. HER: ... ME: Zucchini bread.
@BobTheSuit: [Job interview] -Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair? Sorry. I didn't think we started yet.
@iamspacegirl: "And then the Bears mauled Goldilocks to death and ate her, reminding us that home invasion never has a happy ending."