A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
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*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Customize Your Wedding.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle