@VaguelyFunnyDan: A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it 'cause I made it up.
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@MatCro: [French restaurant] DANIEL: Promise me, not again MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon? [waiter comes] D: Don- M: [waves hand] Garcoff
@RafaelaStoakes: If a kid asks you to check under the bed for monsters & you look, scream & run out of the room, you wont be asked to baby sit again!
@jessforaminute: *Calls the DMV* Hi yes I've lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks