A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
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Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Them: Just act casual
Me:
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.