A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
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I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
This meal prepping shit easy
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again