A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
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[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody