A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
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Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Thursday Thought.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”