It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
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I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Jail
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.