A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
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I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house