A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
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Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
ouch
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Mountain Goat : )