A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
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[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”