A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
You Might Also Like
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)