[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
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I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.