A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
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Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
😅🤣😂
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Worst perfume name ever.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night