A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
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My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
The little toadstool has spoken.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”