A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
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[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks