a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
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I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.