A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
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Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares