A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
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Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
the #horror is real!
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*