A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.