A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
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If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had βa zest for life.β I donβt care if theyβre the killer but I donβt want my memory disrespected like that.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Iβm willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after βhow are theyβ is βhow is your husband doing with the kids when youβre gone all the time?β
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!