A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
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There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!