a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
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Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)