A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
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*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.