A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
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The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
some Old Testament wisdom
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi