@cravin4: A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
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@LoveNLunchmeat: My son just choked on food laughing, and I'm torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
@truegritrumble: KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn't real. ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
@fro_vo: [watching wonder woman] *wonder woman comes onscreen* Me: (leans over to date) that's wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
@Daniel_Sloss: Airport receptionist: anything to declare? Me: how bout these guns? *flexes* Her: OH GOD HE'S GOT GUNS! Me: wait.. I was.. Her: HELP!! AGH!