A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
You Might Also Like
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok