A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
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My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Finally! 😈
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand