@birbigs: A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
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@DonQuickoats: When I see drivers with tinted windows I still stare at them in their eyes, or where I think their eyes are, so they think I'm superhuman
@generaldietz: lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you? me: yea...it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners lifeguard: a squid?
@tastefactory: When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult
@GoldenSpirals: The greatest trick the devil ever played was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.