A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
You Might Also Like
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test