A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
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[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*